Today should be Day 4749 since I became a father. You would be 13, a teenager, by now. I didn’t get to tell you the story about how you survived. But I know one day, we are going to meet again in Heaven, and I will tell you the story about how you changed my life. This was a letter I wrote to you when we first met.
A letter to Baby Zee
Everything has been happening so suddenly that I don’t want to accept it … two weeks ago, we were still immersed in the joy of becoming parents. Then last week, when we returned to the doctor in Chiayi for a checkup, the doctor said you were severely swelling inside your mother’s womb, and he told us we might have to give you up and wait for a detailed examination in Taipei to prepare for the next child. Our first thought was that this guy must be a quack, and right away made several phone calls and went to get a second opinion. The result was still not optimistic. They also suggested we do more tests at the medical center and to prepare for the next child!! NEXT child?! What about you?! You are our dearest son who was inside your mother for more than seven months, and your heart is still beating hard, and they were asking me to give up on you?! No! I refuse!! Based on the doctor’s statement, I looked up hydrops fetalis on the Internet, and it was instantly clear that your condition is serious. But you are my baby, how can I just say forget about it, and it will be better the next time?! Or pretend to be rational and just say, let it go, this is how it’s meant to be?! I must have faith in you, and I want you to know that I will not give up on you! You have to keep fighting, and no matter what the outcome is, I don’t want to give up! Because the moment I saw the two bars on the pregnancy test seven months ago, I knew I would love you forever!
一切來的太過於突然，讓我一下子沒辦法接受‥兩個禮拜前的產撿，我們還沈浸於要成為父母的喜悅。上禮拜回嘉義產撿，才發現你嚴重水腫在媽媽腹內，醫生很殘忍的告訴我們可能必須要將你放棄，等回台北做詳細檢驗來為下一胎做防備‥ 我們還一度認為這個傢伙是個庸醫，連忙打電話，請親戚介紹好一點的婦產科醫師‥ 結果，還是一樣不樂觀‥也是希望我們轉診至醫學中心做更多的測驗及追蹤， 一樣的說詞，為了下一胎做防備‥那你呢? 你可是媽媽辛辛苦苦帶了七個月的心肝寶貝，你的心還用力的在跳著，要我放棄？ 我真的不能接受‥聽醫生的說法，自己也上網看了胎兒水腫，自己也很清楚你的狀況並不樂觀，但是你並竟是我的寶貝，要我如何說算了吧下次會更好？！ 還是假裝理性的說，看開些 一切都是緣份！我要對你有信心， 我要讓你知道，我不會放棄你的！你要持續努力，不管結果是如何，至少我都不曾想要放棄！因為在七個月前，我看到驗孕棒的那兩條槓的那一剎那，我就知道我會永遠深愛著你！
That evening, your mom and I held each other and cried the whole time, apologizing to each other. Because we have always felt that the reason you became like this is because it was us who did not take good care of you. The hour-long drive returning to Tainan from Chiayi felt like forever. I can’t stop imagining how much pain you are in now, and I can’t imagine losing you. How would I face it? When I arrived in Tainan, we were lucky to find that the attending doctor is the best in his field. Turns out he was a distant relative, and he managed to get us in to do the examination a day early. I was hoping there would be a different result … but after the examination, we found that your mother has too much water inside her womb, so it was difficult to do any tests inside her. And for you to stay in your mother’s body any longer would be life threatening to both of you and your mother. So the doctor suggested letting you out of your mother right away, and hoping to rescue you once outside of your mother’s womb. At least you would have a fighting chance of living.
那天下午我和媽媽抱頭痛哭，一直互相道歉。因為我們一直覺得，是我們害了你，沒有好好的把你照顧，才會讓你變成這樣。準備從嘉義回台南，等待星期二到成大醫學中心，一個鐘頭的路程感覺好遙遠，我無法停止想像，你現在有多麼的痛苦，我更無法想像失去你，我該如何面對？到了台南，幸運的發現要幫媽媽看診的主治醫師是母胎及婦產科的權威，很湊巧的，他是我的遠房親戚 應該算是你姨丈公，因此他也提早一天幫我們看診，我一直抱著希望，希望會有不一樣的結果‥ 但是檢查結果，媽媽羊水過多，連幫你在媽媽體內做測驗都有困難，一直待在媽媽體內也威脅到媽媽及你的生命，所以決定馬上把你提早出來，希望能夠在媽媽體外幫你急救，這樣還有一些機會！
November 10th, 2009 at 9:46 am
You want to be a Scorpio just like your mother and me that everyone both loves and hates, so you decided to say hi to the world a few months early. Now your little body is lying in the intensive care unit, full of tubes. When the doctor showed me the two buckets full of bloody water, and said that it was drawn from your lungs, it felt like a knife stabbing into my heart. Your tiny hands and face are swollen and purple, your breath vibrates loudly, and every single time it vibrates, my heart aches again. But I know it can’t be comparable to the pain in your body, I really wish that I can bear the pain for you! “Is this God’s punishment for my absurd past and sins?” “Oh, dear God! My child is innocent, don’t torture the child, don’t torture the mother! Please put all the retribution on me alone!” I knelt down to the gods and prayed …
你想跟媽媽和我一樣成為一個大家又恨又愛的天蠍，所以提早道人間報到，現在你小小的身體躺在加護病房，身上差滿了管子， 醫師讓我看了兩桶滿滿的血水，說是從你的肺部抽出來的，我的心如刀割，你小小的手及臉蛋腫到發紫，呼吸氣大力的震動著，每震動一次，我的心痛一次， 但是這樣的感覺應該比不上你身上的痛，我好希望，我能承受你身上的痛！這是老天對我荒唐的過去所做的惩罰嗎？天呀！孩子是無辜的，請你把所有報應 都落在我一個人身上，別折騰孩子，別折騰媽媽！我一早便到廟裡，這樣對神明說著，拜著‥
During lunch today, I saw a message on the table, it said, “Be whatever you want … before you want to achieve something, you must first visualize it in your heart”. A professional golfer once said the secret to hitting an ace is to see the ball roll where you want it to go before you hit it. No matter what your goal is, imagine a lifelike picture, imagine that you’ve already got it, and you’ll eventually make it! The “heart” yearns for it, and the “wish” comes true. Would you believe that your dad is so naive that he goes on Facebook hoping that everyone will pray for you, hoping to gather a Super energy ball, like in the Dragon BallZ comics, so that you can defeat Death? I also began to imagine you sitting on my shoulders visiting the zoo. Your mom and I are holding your little hands and running together on the grassy green fields. I imagine you pulling Yalo’s tail and being naughty, but he still fondly licks your cheeks, because he also knows that you are his beloved human brother. I imagine you in my arms, and I am going around and showing off how adorable you are and everyone surrounding us and pinching your chubby face.
今天吃中飯時，在桌上看到一篇文章‥隨心所欲‥在你能夠做到一件事情以前， 你一定首先要清楚的在心裡看見它。有個職業高爾夫球選手說過，擊出好球的一個祕訣是，在你擊球之前先看到球滾到你要它到的地方。不論你期望的目標是什麼，想像一個栩栩如生的畫面，想像你已經得到了它，則終究如願！「心」嚮往之，「願」隨之成真。你知道嗎？你這個天真老爸在網頁上希望大家幫你祈禱，希望能聚集如超級賽亞人一般的能量球，讓你能夠戰勝死神。我也開始想像，你坐在我肩上逛動物園，我和媽媽拉著你的小手，一同在草原上奔跑。我想像，你拉著YALO的尾巴 欺負著它，但是它還是傻傻的舔著你的臉頰，因為他也知道，你是他疼愛的人類弟弟。我想像我抱著你，四處去跟人家炫耀你有多可愛，大家也圍繞著你捏著你肥嘟嘟的臉龐。
Keep fighting, my Baby Zee!! There are so many wonderful things waiting for you in this world, you have to fight till the last minute, please don’t give up!! I believe that as long as I hold on to this hope … one day, when I get older, I will tell you all about the story, about how brave you were at the time!!
加油呀，我的吉利寶貝！！這個世界，有太多的美好等著你，你要堅持到最後一秒，不要放棄！我相信，只要我抱持著希望‥我會在年老後，敘述這整個過程給你聽‥告訴你， 你當時有多麼勇敢 ！！